I am down for the count. I had surgery this week that demanded I rest. I like sleep—but forced rest I don't care for. I had a hernia in my belly-button. It's gone now—not my belly button… my hernia. At least, that is what the doctor tells me. I don't have any real proof since a layer of bandages hides the area in question.
For over a year I believed I would be healed. I prayed for me. My wife prayed for me. My kids prayed for me. Men who had been healed of a similar ailment prayed for me. The church prayed for me. Strangers prayed for me. I felt like I was doing everything I could to work up my faith. To make it so God would do it. Heal me...
But, God had a plan. The truth is, I had the faith that God would just touch me and heal me. What I didn't have the faith for was paying for the surgery if it came down to it. We have not had insurance this year and money has been tight.
Sure I had faith for Him to do the miraculous physically, and I procrastinated having this surgery done because of it. And, of course, God came through. For two months I was given insurance by a client who decided to hire me outright. They let me keep my company, my hours and allow me to continue working from home. They thought it would be permanent, and I was certainly open to it... but I was told that the insurance would end last month after 30 days. The company was seeing financial difficulties and needed to stay in a professional relationship with me, but needed to let me go as a full-time employee.
When I was told the news, I wasn't surprised... but I was still procrastinating on this surgery. I was running a company and I had no time for the downtime. But, God had bigger plans. The sea parted and time was made. Week-before-last my body told me it was time when the pain became unbearable.
In just a few weeks I saw a doctor, scheduled the surgery, went through pre-op and now it is done.
It turns out I am not a good patient. I dealt with a lot of fear. Being forced down to the mat, I faced a great deal of depression, anxiety, self-loathing and anger. In two weeks time I went from on-top of my game to one of the lowest points.
I realized that God didn't heal me because He knows what I need to bring the things out in my heart that He wants dealt with. If he had just poked that sucker back in and sealed me up with His finger, I never would have been brought to this place. I would have kept moving as if nothing had happened and I never would have been faced with the hard truth. I still have deep, seeded things in me that He wants me to deal with.
In a way it is freeing. Knowing your weaknesses means your not in the dark about what your facing, but it is also deeply humbling. My stomach wasn't the only thing that had a breach of flesh. My internal organs weren't where they were supposed to be—and, I am realizing this had just as much spiritual implication as it did physical. But, I never would have seen it if I had not been stopped.
The climax to all of this came when I realized that at the core of who I am I am still a son of Adam. Sure I have been redeemed and paid for. Grafted, I am a new creature... but ultimately I was faced with the reality that in my genes still lies the propensity.
I realized through this that faith is not faith if I merely believe God exists and God is good. True faith believes that God is and that the God who is will be good to me because of Christ regardless of my sin.
